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As I continue to accept the truth and certainty about who I am as a man...as a human being, I begin to understand that

     It is not about me doing enough
          or proving.
     It IS about doing what I can
          and being.

Real-time Recovery

Today was a great lesson/reminder about one of the realities being a full-time dad: I do not have the luxury of going off by myself to spend 20 or 30 minutes recovering from a rough start to the day. I was in the midst of writing a blog post and was deep in thought. On top of that, I have a cold and am exhausted despite getting nearly seven hours of sleep for the last three of four nights in a row (more like nine hours last night). So when I heard Mary Jane's footsteps I went straight into reactivity…"No! Not again!" But as much as my mind was screaming "No!" there stood Mary Jane, wide awake and in a happy disposition <curveball #1). I was able to get her to take a shower with mommy about 20 minutes later and so, I thought, I would have a little time to finish up my blog post. And then I heard Rebekah rustling and cooing over the monitor <curveball #2>. So much for that idea!

When I picked Rebekah up I found that she had pooped so I had to both change her diaper and, since we now use cloth diapers, spray the poop out of it <curveball #3>. By the time I was done spraying the diaper Maaike was nearly ready to go. And so yet another day begins without me getting to finish my blog post...or do email...or…

To say the least, I was quite upset about the morning not starting "right." A fact that pissed me off because I am working on accepting reality as it comes (read: "I should have perfected accepting reality as it comes" by now). But there was no time to deal with my piss-off (or so my mind was telling me) because it is already after 7 am and we have to be at the doctor's office at 9:30. And then we go straight to Target for Mary Jane to make her first purchase with money she earned. So I stuffed my feelings down as best I could and worked hard at being calm and loving and caring and not PISSED-OFF! All-in-all I did pretty well with it...but it is exhausting to work that hard at suppressing my feelings.

Mary Jane did a great job waiting at the doctor's office and being patient as I calmed Rebekah and gave her a bottle after receiving her shots. Then it was off to Target. We went straight to the Barbie doll area so Mary Jane could pick out her Barbie and then went up to the front for her to pay for it. As a special treat we then went into Starbucks and opened the Barbie so she could play with it while we did the rest of our Target shopping. Again, Mary Jane and Rebekah both did very well. And still, it was getting harder and harder for me to contain the building pressure and frustration as the morning went on and I began to get tired <curveball #4> and as MJ began to reach the end of her patience with being at Target <curveball #5>.

Of course, Mary Jane's focus was on getting home so we could "play dollies" with her new Barbie. And when we finally did get home, that is all I heard about from her. "Can we play dollies?" "Let's play dollies, daddy!" "Daddy, play dollies!" <curveballs #6, 7, and 8 or more…> Of course, from a clearer perspective it is obvious that Mary Jane was simply very excited about her new Barbie and she wanted me to play with her and her new Barbie...but that wasn't so obvious to me at the time because I was too focused on containing my piss-off. Now, it just so happens that Rebekah is in the midst of a growth spurt so she is very hungry and very tired. So while Mary Jane is trying to get me to play dollies I am trying to make us lunch and tend to a hungry, overly tired 5 month old <curveball #9>...oh yeah, we think she is about ready to cut her first tooth, too <curveball #...well, you get the idea>. ...and the pressure builds.

The icing on the cake is that the more reactive (short and obviously frustrated) I became, the more Mary Jane and Rebekah would follow suit. Round and round we went building on each others' reactivity and agitation. I cannot recall what exactly it was that woke me up to what was going on. What I do know is that I suddenly realized that much of the frustration and many of the little battles from the day were largely due to me not recovering from the way the morning began.

Like it or not, the reality is that in day to day life I do not often have time to go off and figure out why I am being so reactive. What I can do, however, is choose to recover in real-time. I can choose to stop long enough to take some breath and to notice my reactivity and then to choose my next step. Some days I may need to do this several times and others not at all. Either way, what I am seeing is that I always have the choice to recover and I also have the knowledge and ability to do so. And the good news is, it is never to late to recover and start fresh. After all, each minute is a fresh start.

The Weight of it All

I am "trying" to get myself into a routine of getting up at 5 AM so that I can have some time to be on the computer to write this blog, catch up on email, manage/post pictures, etc. It is "my time." As I write this I realize that am quite protective of "my time" and that, in my head, "my time" is from 5 to 7 AM. Which helps to make sense of why I tend to get frustrated when one of our children wake up before 7 AM.

"Doesn't she realize that this is my time and that it is important for me to have my time?" I can hear myself protesting. "There is so much I need to get done. So many things that I have to take care of! And if I don't reply to all those people then <enter catastrophic scenario here>!" With this running in my head, it is no wonder I get so ticked off when Mary Jane comes up stairs rubbing her eyes and squinting against the light...at 6:15 AM. Of course, the fact that she is crying and calling for mommy (who is at the pool for a swim work out) doesn't help. Nor does the fact that she doesn't want me to even look at, let alone console her.

If I am honest with myself, I can see that the truth is I am not upset with my daughter. I am upset with myself. I am upset with myself for staying up too late, again; for using "my time" to manage pictures this morning rather than to write; for continuing in this pattern of just doing any the things on my to do list rather than purposefully choosing what I am going to do with the time I have. Of course, being this honest with myself also means that I am putting responsibility for how I spend my time on...me.

"Whoa there, tiger. Let's not get crazy now…" says the voice in my head. Wow! I really do not want that responsibility! As I write this I can literally feel myself squirming inside trying to find a way out of taking responsibility. This points to another, larger issue: that I have a big fat "NO!" to my limits! Apparently, I hold a belief that I "should not" have limitations. I "should" be able to function on five hours of sleep. I "should" be able to stay mentally and emotionally clear at all times. I "should" be able to make the right decision about how to respond to my children/wife/friends/etc. at all times. I "should" be able to keep up on email. I "should"… And the reality is that I do have limits and these limits are different as a full-time dad than they were when I worked outside our home. My heart is racing. This is a big one for me. What I am seeing is that when I refuse to accept my limitations I do not allow myself to be present in the moment. And so I do not get to have what is happening right now. Today is a wonderful example.

It was a full day. We met up with my friend Darin and his son Ethan for daddy-kiddo day today at Como Zoo. The zoo was a hit, no question. Getting ready to go to the zoo was a challenge on several fronts including that Mary Jane woke up at 6:15 AM…45 minutes "early." Hearing Mary Jane cry for mommy at 6:15 AM was a reality I was unwilling to accept and so a seed of frustration was planted. And then Rebekah woke up at about 7:15 AM which is at least 30 minutes earlier than usual...with a leaking poo and pee filled diaper. So now her bedding needed to be changed and washed along with the other four loads of laundry. Did I mention that our washing machine is broken? Yeah, I have to manually switch it from cycle to cycle. As I changed Rebekah, and tried to keep her from touching her pee and poo soaked jammies, I was thinking about the list of things I "needed" to get done today: feed me and MJ, feed Rebekah, start laundry, make and pack lunch, do laundry, go to the zoo, do laundry, have rest/nap time, do laundry, reply to people I've meant to reply to for several days, do laundry...and my frustration built. By the time we got back from the zoo Mary Jane and I had had several little battles including one that ended in a time out right after we got back home. "Finally," Rebekah was asleep and, quite atypically, Mary Jane fell asleep watching her rest-time movie. So I sat for a little while and then did a couple things. I was just about to watch a documentary I'd been wanting to see when Mary Jane woke up crying. I picked her up and sat on the couch with her...and she fell back asleep. So there I sat on the couch, holding Mary Jane...and thinking about all of the things I could be doing, if I weren't trapped under this sleeping child.

I could feel the full weight of my 3 1/2 year-old sleeping on me. I could hear her soft breath and feel her peacefulness as she slept in her daddy's arms. That's when it hit me: this is why I am here. All that other stuff is secondary right now. I am here, at home, to be with and support my children. And I have been missing it. Being "trapped" under the weight of my sleeping preschooler gave me freedom to remember what is most important to me and to choose to be present in that moment.

What if I choose to see all my limits as revolutionaries? As freedom fighters whose goal is to set me free? What would that change in perspective do to the quality of my life? Perhaps this the year for me to find out!

'Cause its Fun

I believe it is important to help the girls learn about thinking through their decisions and to learn about consequences. I also believe it is important to take care of our possessions so that they last a long time. I often put these ideas together as I talk Mary Jane through why it is okay, or not okay, for her to take a specific action. We had an interesting opportunity on this very point this morning.

We had been playing for awhile and Mary Jane was already dressed for the day. Well, dressed and then somewhat undressed - she will often pull her shirt up as if to take it off and then leave it at the top of her head like a turban. She then pretends that her shirt is hair...and she LOVES doing this. It was time for me to take a shower so I asked her if she would like to shower with me or keep playing. "Yeah, shower with you," she replied. I headed off to the bathroom to start getting the shower ready. About 30 seconds later Mary Jane came into the bathroom and said, "I changed my mind. I want to shower by myself." Now, I have learned how to tell when Mary Jane is planning to do something that she thinks I will not approve of and I could tell that there was something behind her change of mind. "Why do you want to shower by yourself?" I asked. With eyes turned toward the floor and half turning away Mary Jane sheepishly said, "I want to shower with this on," referring to the shirt on her head...her 'hair.'

At this point my mind went straight into parental teaching mode. "You can't let her do that," I heard my mind say. "That isn't being responsible. And if you let her do it today then you set a precedence and she'll want to do it every day and you will have to fight with her to keep it from being an every day occurrence." All fine and seemingly valid points. But before I spoke something inside me, something deeper within, urged me to ask a follow-up question, "Is that why you want to shower by yourself? So you could shower with your shirt on your head?" She nodded . Again, my mind jumped to action, "See, she is being deceitful and manipulative. You have to take action to show her that she cannot trick you into letting her get her way."

As my mind told me what I "had" to do I could feel that sense from deeper within coming up again. It is a softer urging, in terms of volume, than is the demanding chatter of my mind. At the same time, though, this deeper sense is stronger, less forceful and more confident...knowing. I paused and asked, "Why do you want to shower with your shirt on your head?" Mary Jane smiled and said quite matter-of-factly, "'Cause its fun." My heart nearly exploded with love and joy as we laughed together. "Okay, Mary Jane," I said, "you can shower with your shirt on."

Today Mary Jane reminded me that sometimes "'cause its fun" is reason enough. What would my life be like if I did more things 'cause they're fun? Just asking that question excites me and gives me a sense of freedom and joy. Imagine a life lived outside the boundaries of justifications and air tight reasoning. Imagine the freedom of simply choosing to follow my heart and do! I have both excitement and trepidation around this.

I am not Alone

Sometimes I struggle to remember that Mary Jane is only 3 1/2 years old. This is an example of why that can be so hard for me.

It is about 3 PM Friday afternoon and I am rushing around the house trying to get everything ready for us to leave for a four-day trip to Iowa to visit Maaike's family in Pella. We've already had a fun and big morning going to Cinidi and Rowan's house to visit them and Nicole. Then off to Friday Playgroup at Heather's house. Lots of time with good friends and fun kiddos. We got home about 12:20 PM and "all" we had left to do was to eat lunch, feed Rebekah, pack my clothes, pack Rebekah's clothes, make and pack snacks, do dishes, pack up all the "stuff," feed Rebekah again, and load the car...by 3 PM.

Maaike is off work at 3 PM on Fridays and we wanted to hit the road as close to then as possible so we could miss traffic and arrive in Pella (about a 5 1/2 hour drive without small children) at a reasonable time. As I said, it is now about 3 PM and  everything is done except feeding Rebekah the second time (and she is REALLY hungry now), doing the dishes (not many) and finish loading the car. At this point I am working quite hard at keeping my stress level and drivenness in check. I send Maaike a text to let her know we are running behind and then give Rebekah her bottle. As I am holding Rebekah to feed her I am distracted, thinking about what is left to do, how to do it most efficiently and how to enroll Mary Jane into staying focused on getting us ready to leave. 

Rebekah finishes her bottle by about 3:20 and I put her in the bouncy while I do dishes...a decision/situation that is less-than-desirable to Rebekah. So now I am doing dishes, playing peek-a-boo with and singing to a crying Rebekah, and reminding/encouraging Mary Jane to pick up her toys and finish getting ready to leave. By the time I finish doing the dishes Rebekah has gotten herself quite worked up so I pick her up to calm her and change her diaper. I hate to see her upset and crying like this and I don't like leaving her in the bouncy to cry. What's more is that, with the dishes done, all that is left is to pack the car. Which means putting Rebekah in her car seat or back in the bouncy.

Then it hits me: I am not alone. Mary Jane is here and Rebekah adores Mary Jane, and Mary Jane adores Rebekah. So I put Rebekah in her car seat and set her down close to the back door with everything else that needs to go out to the car (including Mary Jane who is already wearing her coat and boots). "Mary Jane, will you please be with Rebekah while I load the car?" I ask. "You want me to rock Rebekah? Okay." Keep in mind that I asked only that Mary Jane "be with Rebekah."  As I am picking things up for the second, and final, trip to the car I see Mary Jane bent down gently rocking the car seat and saying in a sweet, tender voice, "You're okay, Rebekah. There is nothing to be worried about. Mommy is at work and daddy and big sister are right here."

My tendency, my "drama," is to take everything on myself; to believe that I have to carry the entire load by myself. This morning Mary Jane showed me once again that I am never alone and I can always ask for help.

Joy Within Limits

I was scheduled to be on a conference call this morning at 6 am. Mary Jane woke up at 5:30 after having a bad dream. Theoretically, Mary Jane sleeps until about 7 am and so a 6 to 7 am conference call would be just fine. Hearing her scream for me from downstairs was a lifeshock and my immediate response was, "No, I have a conference call and I don't want to have to entertain a 3 1/2 year old while also participating on the call!"

So rather than collecting my thoughts, and myself, from 5:30 to 6 I sat on the couch and talked with Mary Jane about her scary dream. As a side note, given the space and attention, a young child can tell you a great deal about her dreams...and this one sounded pretty spooky to me! A few minutes before the call was to begin I asked Mary Jane to pick out the paper or coloring book she wanted to color on. She picked a coloring book...Hello Kitty, of course.

So there we sat, six o'clock in the morning at the dining room table. I had my computer in front of me and Mary Jane on my lap. She had her coloring book in front of her with her crayons at the ready. And there we sat for the next 50 minutes - until the end of the call! As a 3 1/2 year old Mary Jane needed to sit still and quiet for 50 minutes (or more accurately, I wanted her to) AND SHE DID IT! This experience could have been restrictive for her, it could have been horrible and long and and and… Instead Mary Jane created some beautifully colored pictures. And she did so with much pride and joy!

This morning Mary Jane taught me, again, that it is entirely possible to find joy within limits. Imagine what life would be like if I chose to find the joy within the limits of my life! The possibilities are amazing - and freeing!

Naked Truth

Maaike and I were both “on edge” tonight…we were both feeling a bit off physically and were both tired. Mary Jane, on the other hand, was feeling quite fine and was wide awake and full of energy, surprise, surprise…

As I look back over the day what stands out to me most is that while Maaike and I were grumpily doing dishes and making dinner Mary Jane was standing right there with us, buck naked and just wanting to be a part of what mommy and daddy were doing. She had a frying pan full of her wooden fruits and vegetables and would periodically break out in an announcement about the recipe she was following and how the red stuff was in there to give the cookies flavor. But I didn’t really see her and her joy. I was too busy being pissed off that there were so many damn dishes and that the stinking bottle brush was too big for the bottles and so I would get a face full of dish water spray with every bottle.

And then there is Rebekah who, somehow, sat peacefully in her little bouncy kicking her legs and cooing and gooing…even though she was surrounded by a couple of edgy parents and a loud and excited older sister.

Again, Mary Jane and Rebekah are my teachers – what is really important in life? It was all right there! All within seven feet of me: my wife and both my daughters. And, as if that weren’t enough, we are here in our own home with food and clothes and toys and…so much to be grateful for and so much to celebrate. How often do I forget to celebrate the amazing gifts in my life? When was the last time I stopped and celebrated life? Period. Just the fact that I am alive, that I get to take this breath.

The truth is that my life is way too precious to waste on being grumpy and pissed off about the stupid dishes. I want to spend more time standing naked in the kitchen cooking wooden fruits and vegetables with red stuff so that the cookies get flavored!

Knowing

Rebekah was up at just after 5 am today - very unusual for her. I didn't get to sleep until about 12:30 am last night, so I was planning on sleeping until 7 or 7:30 am. To say the least, I was very tired today...and not very long on patience.

It was about 3:15 pm and Rebekah was ready for a second afternoon nap. MJ wanted to come with me to put Rebekah down. After about 3 minutes of pseudo quiet playing with a Barbie doll, MJ loudly whispers, "Put her down!" Now, MJ knows that Rebekah almost always fusses herself to sleep and so I assumed that MJ was just trying to speed up the nap time process so we could get back to playing dollies upstairs. I believe it is important to not let Rebekah cry while in her crib trying to fall asleep - fussing is fine, crying is not okay. So it is difficult for me to put her down too quickly for fear of her starting to cry and then rousing herself.

I replied with a "Shh!" and a finger held up as if to say, "I know what I'm doing here kid so just be quiet and don't tell me what to do!" About one minute later I hear, "Put her down!" This time I was irritated and scolded Mary Jane for making so much noise and having her energy too high while I'm trying to get Rebekah to sleep.

A few seconds later it occurred to me that MJ could be right. So I laid Rebekah down. Not a sound - she was asleep already in my arms! Whether or not Mary Jane "knew" Rebekah was about to fall asleep I don't know for sure, although I believe that she did. What I do know for sure is that I was initially unwilling to trust Mary Jane's knowing.

As I reflect on this it occurs to me how difficult it is for me to know when to trust my own "knowing" self, or someone elses "knowing", and when not to. I believe that things won't always work out "right" when I do trust the knowing...but then, they don't always work out "right" anyway! What if I were to trust my knowing self and Mary Jane's knowing and Maaike's knowing... What if I were to step out on faith rather than to demand to see the whole picture and know that it will work out before I take a step? What if I were to choose to life my life by faith, trusting that I have all that I need to be able to handle anything that comes? That sounds rich and free to me...and it is an edge to work on!

A Christmas Gift

I know many adults who share stories of going home for the holidays and noticing that they suddenly regress to old behaviors. I am one of those adults and this is one such story.

Setting the stage: the Cronin family has several Christmas-time traditions that are important to us: a sibling gift exchange, reading the Night Before Christmas, gift opening on Christmas morning, a big breakfast, family pictures, a big Christmas dinner, etc. As our family has grown and we’ve added in spouses and partners we’ve chosen to make some changes in order to best meet all of the needs and wants while still fitting in nearly all of our traditions. In short, we moved Christmas Eve to the 23^rd and Christmas to the 24^th. A primary challenge, however, is that most everything takes place from the afternoon of 12/23 to the early afternoon of 12/24…it is a lot to get done in 24 hours or less! Put this together with the events of our journey to Duluth and the stage is set for this story (see post “Knowing”). Oh, and I was still on a narcotic pain medication from surgery two days ago…

For a long time in my family I have taken on a role of keeping things moving along so that they would get done. I have an ability to see how all the pieces can (“should”) come together so that all of the plans will happen within the desired timeframe. In years past, this was not too difficult a task because we had a lot of time and if the gift opening took a bit longer than usual it was no big deal because we would just move everything else to later in the day. In our current reality, however, we do not have a lot of time and moving something to later in the day is really not an option.

The “drama” (my drama, really) begins at about 6:40 am – we “have” to get over to my sister’s house (just across the yard) and be ready to start opening gifts by 7 am. Well, as I said, it is 6:40 and my wife and kids and my parents are all just barely getting moving. I find myself prodding folks along; feeling stressed and tense; and beginning to get aggravated…on Christmas morning…about beginning to open Christmas presents “on time”. “I” finally “get” everyone at my parents’ house to a point where I believe they will be ready soon so I head over to my sister’s house with my camera (another role I play) to be ready for taking pictures as my girls come in. When I arrive I find that the adults at my sister’s house are also not “ready” . This reality hits me square in the face, and I don’t like it. And so, my stress level and my aggravation increase.

At last, everyone is “ready” and we can begin the orchestrated (in my mind, anyway) event of gift opening. We start with the kids (my niece ZaTanna, 14, and my daughters Mary Jane, 3 ½ years, and Rebekah, 4 months) on the stairs waiting to come in to where the tree and gifts are (a tradition that started with me and my siblings) – pictures are taken…by several of us. Then the children are invited down the stairs and into the living room to see what Santa has left for them. Then begins the gift opening…and me trying to direct (i.e., control) who opens how many gifts at a time so that we (I, really) can be sure that Mary Jane doesn’t lose interest and that all gifts are finished being opened at the same time. Keep in mind that there are 10 adults, one teenager, one preschooler and an infant in the room…and so my stress-level and aggravation continue to rise. Do you have a feel for it?

Somewhere, amidst all of my stress and aggravation, I realize that I assume all of these traditions are important and that they must happen – but I don’t check that out with myself or anyone else to see if it is true or not. I also remember, again, that I really do not like to be the task master. Nor is this role best suited for my talents and strengths. I would much prefer to focus on the experience of being together and capturing some of the joy and love with my camera. ;Yet I find some sense of comfort in taking on this role. As if ensuring that everything is moving on schedule is somehow going to make everything safe and okay. Perhaps this is one way for me to cling to the familiar; to avoid dealing with change and the reality that I cannot control the experience I have or that my family has.

Do I really even want to control that experience? I’m really not sure that I do. And yet trying to control it is my default position. Perhaps this is my real Christmas “gift” this year: an opportunity to look at the drama I play out while at home and to choose whether or not I will keep playing it out. I choose not to…and I make that choice with some fear and apprehension – and some relief and excitement.

Are we there yet?

It was a pretty rough morning. There was a lot of stuff to get done and ready so that we could leave to go to Duluth for the Cronin family Christmas. Maaike and I were both quite stressed and aggravated…of course, it didn’t help that I had had knee surgery yesterday and was on a narcotic pain killer. I was pressing the issue of wanting to get to Duluth as soon as possible, so I got up early (Maaike had been up very late the night before wrapping gifts and getting things ready) and finished packing and getting things pulled together so we could leave. By the time we left, about an hour later than planned, I was, well, to be honest, I was pissed and my knee hurt a lot. And I was not looking forward to spending the next few hours in a car. <A bonus piece of advice for readers: DO NOT ride in a car for several hours within the first five days of knee surgery. Really, just don’t do it!>

After about two hours on the road we are about half way to Duluth – it is normally just a 2 ½ hour trip. We decide to stop for a second time so that Rebekah could nurse and I could stretch my knee and try to get the swelling down. My knee was really hurting and I’m hungry…and grumpy. Maaike nurses Rebekah and gets spit up on. I believe it is important to add here that Rebekah’s spit ups are often two or three times the volume of your average spit up. So, Rebekah needs a new outfit and Maaike now has a wet shirt. We are finally on the road again after 30 or 40 minutes.

About 20 minutes after we get back on the road I start to hear some soft singing coming from the back seat. Then a pause and, “Are we there yet?” In the midst of all this craziness, despite all of my frustration and grumpiness somehow Mary Jane did not realize that she was “supposed” to be grumpy, too. How could she be singing with her barbies and playing happily? And how could she possibly not know that we are most certainly not there yet? “No, honey,” I reply, “we still have more than an hour to go.”

Now, being in the foul mood I was in, I assumed that MJ would respond the same way I would have. But she didn’t. “Oh, okay.” Was all she said. And then she went back to playing with her barbies and singing to herself. It appeared that Mary Jane was in a place where she was simply accepting what was going on around her. She was in a wonderful mood and was determined to have fun both on the way to Duluth and once we got there. What Mary Jane taught me again today is that I always have a choice about how I will respond to the people and events in my life. Things may go the way I have planned and they may not. People may be “nice” and “cooperative” and they may not be. I cannot truly control any of that. What I can control; where I do have choice is in how I choose to respond.

I want to choose to sing and have fun…no matter what is happening around me. Thank you, Mary Jane, for the lesson and reminder!

My part...just my part

I had surgery today on my right knee - a torn lateral meniscus. As knee surgery goes, not a big deal. The procedure was done in 30 min. When I woke up I a bit disoriented (I heard myself saying "Where is Mary Jane? Where is Mary Jane?" She was, of course, with our friends Kim and Cindi and their boys Zander and Rowan...yeah, disoriented) but that passed relatively quickly and I was in pretty good spirits. Though I had a hard time believing they had actually done the surgery because I couldn’t' remember anything and my knee didn't hurt (thanks pain meds!). Maaike and Rebekah brought me home without incident and got me set up on the couch with my leg propped up, per doctor's orders. All this was just fine.

The challenging part came in a few hours later after all of were at home together for a couple hours. Rebekah and Mary Jane both wanted attention and Maaike was trying to get dinner ready and prepare things for us to leave early the next morning to head up to Duluth for the Cronin family Christmas celebration. As I lay there on the couch, drugged up and somewhat uncomfortable, I realized that I was believing that I was being lazy and that I should be doing more to help Maaike…after all, the reason we were leaving so early the next morning is because I wanted to get to Duluth as early as possible. Then it occurred to me: my responsibility is to do my part. That is all; just my part. Sometimes my part will be “big” and sometimes it will be “small,” but what is important to remember is that the only thing I am truly responsible for is my part. Today my part was to recover from surgery.

What would life be like if I were to focus my energies on simply doing my part? How much freer would I be? Freed from excessive obligation, responsibility, duty, etc. And how much more happy and effective?

Being here is enough

I've noticed that when I start the day off getting things done I often get into a "doing" mode and I need to consciously choose to get out of "doing" and into "being." Today was no exception.

We had quite the day today. We successfully ran errands to four different places between 9:30 am and 12:30 pm today - I am quite impressed with all of us, especially because we didn't have any major meltdowns!

After our very productive morning we arrived home, ate lunch, and started to watch a movie for "rest time." About 30 min into the movie Mary Jane announced that she wanted to take a bath with the rubber duckies she had been playing with. And so, into the bathroom we went. After a few minutes I found myself thinking about all of the things I could be getting done (and really want to get done) if only Mary Jane could play by herself in the bathroom without me needing to be right there with her.

I'm not sure what it was that snapped me out of my thoughts, but all of a sudden I realized that I am sitting next to my precious little girl while she is playing a wonderful (and very cute) game with her rubber ducks, kicking and splashing in the water, blowing bubbles and having conversations...and I was missing it entirely because I was focused on what I could be getting done instead.

The truth is, there are a lot of things I would like to get done around the house, and outside the house, too. But in that moment I was sitting in the bathroom with my little girl. It really makes no difference at all what else I could be getting done. And so I chose to let all those other things go and just enjoy being with Mary Jane. It was fantastic.

...and it lasted about five more minutes until I started drifting off again. Then I chose again to be present with Mary Jane. I think this is the lesson for me today: being present is a matter of choosing over and over again to simply be here, now. Perhaps it will be different in the future. But for now, I will practice choosing to be here, now.


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Trying too hard...

So I am posting Monday's post on Tuesday night. In part because I forgot until I was crawling into bed and in part because I was having a really hard time coming up with my "lesson of the day". As I reflected on the happenings of Monday I realized that I was trying too hard. I had begun to put pressure on myself to find some amazing nugget of truth, some wonderful story to share with a great lesson to teach and amaze.

The truth is, it was a tough day, especially for me and MJ and I'm not sure about the "lesson for the day." What I know is that I did my best, apologized when appropriate, and we ended on a good note.

I'm choosing to believe that is enough.

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Keeping priorities

We learned last week that we badly need new tires on our Saturn (the car Maaike now commutes in). This is in addition to needing snow tires for our Subaru. Given some of the travel plans in the next couple of weeks, we wanted to get the tires soon...but I just wasn't "making" it happen. Then an email from Maaike this morning really set me off (I'll spare you the details, but it really was an innocuous email) and I started believing that I HAD to do something about it right that minute and I had to get it right. Despite a rather snotty response to the contrary, I picked this demand that I take care of the tires today, right now up and I added it to the other "duties" I already had going this morning as a full-time dad.

Now, I want to take a step back and say that Rebekah (4 months old) woke up at 6:45 am today, rather than her usual 8 to 8:30 am. By the time I saw Maaike's email it was 8 am and Rebekah was already getting tired and ready for a nap (although, I didn't notice the cues that this was the case). I spent the next frustrating 45 minutes trying to search online for a place to get tires while also trying to keep a tired baby from fussing.

I don't remember the actual moment it hit me, but at some point I realized that Rebekah was fussy because she was tired and needed to go to sleep. The next thing that hit me was that I had traded my first priority for a secondary one. My primary responsibility is to care for these two amazing human beings. Period. Everything else is secondary. Now, we do need new tires, and this is a matter of safety and, therefore, a part of caring for my girls. However, the process of getting the new tires is not as time sensitive as was Rebekah's need for a nap.

What I learned again today is that there is no need to panic and leap to action, save for the obvious emergency situation. The way I want to approach my life is by staying present with what is at the moment and to re-evaluate as new information becomes available. The benefit of this approach? In this situation, a happier, more rested baby and a less stressed-out, frustrated daddy!


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"Be" the parent

I believe that it is important for me, as a parent, to treat my children with the same respect that I would treat anyone else. This means telling the truth, listening to them when they speak (or coo, as is the case for Rebekah at 4 months), and not manipulating them in order to get what I want.

What I learned today is that I also picked up somewhere along the line that it is important for me to be a friend to my children. The problem is that when I look at myself as a friend to my children, I put myself in a position to fall victim to the same dramas that I play out in all of my friendships. Most specifically for today's lesson, my "I'm not worthy" drama comes up regularly. When I'm worried about whether or not Mary Jane or Rebekah believe I am "worthy" of their friendship then I am not focusing on what my actual role is as a father - to love, nurture, teach, correct, discipline, play with, be goofy with, etc. Of course, the truth is, as I was reminded yesterday (see post "Innocent affirmations"), my "worth" is never in question in Mary Jane's mind let alone Rebekah's.

Back to today's lesson: Rebekah hadn't nursed since about 2:30 am. No big deal, because I'll just give her a bottle when she wakes up. MJ and I had a good morning doing this and that and I half-applied my lesson from yesterday (see post "Agendas") and drank my protein shake first thing. When Rebekah woke at 7:45 am I "knew" she was going to be really hungry. I was a bit nervous when MJ asked to give Rebekah her bottle, but said okay. The short version is that I didn't heat the milk up quite enough so Rebekah didn't drink it very fast and MJ eventually lost interest in feeding Rebekah. Then Mary Jane turned her focus to watching a movie...her very persistent focus.

After several reminders from MJ that she wanted to watch a movie and several attempts from me to get her to understand that hanging over the arm of the sofa chair repeatedly saying "Rebekah, Bekah, Bekah" is indeed very distracting to her baby sister. I finally had enough.

"Mary Jane. If you ask to watch a movie one more time you WILL NOT watch a movie this morning" I said in a stern, fatherly tone that felt surprisingly natural. Her shift was immediate. She "got" it. All of a sudden I wasn't just a playmate. I was more than that. I was also her dad and I was willing to set down some guidelines regardless of how she may respond. What I learned today is that I do believe that it is important for me, as a parent, to treat my children with the same respect that I would treat anyone else. AND I believe that what my children want from me more than anything else is for me to BE the parent - and ALLof the parts that go with it.

Agendas

I had an agenda for the day today: workout at the club and run an errand to Target and Home Depot. MJ had an agenda, too: just be and see what the day brings. Then choose what I want to do with it.

The morning started out with MJ wanting to be with mommy constantly (to the point it was difficult for Maaike to get ready for work). I got focused right away on trying to help Maaike leave on time and then it was dishes and then moving some things around in the kitchen. It was 8 am by the time I finally ate - way too late for me and so at this point I was hungry and agitated. What happened is that I got caught up in "doing" rather than "being." I did not take care of myself with respect to the little things (i.e., eating breakfast). So when it came to doing something for myself specific for myself, I thought I had to "make" getting to the club happen, "for me". I forced it and we were rushed, I was tense...and at two different times MJ asked, "Why are you frustrated, daddy?"

When I refuse to accept what is happening I miss out on whatever it is that life is offering AND I sacrifice my freedom of choice and submit myself instead to the demands of my agenda.

How many times throughout my day do I do this? Have my set agenda in mind and then react poorly when my agenda does not match up with reality? What if, when I come upon an unexpected turn of events, I were to pause for a moment to see what life is bringing me instead of thoughtlessly fighting for MY agenda?

How much more connected will I be with my wife, my children and anyone else with whom I get to interact? How much lighter will I feel? What other possibilities will I uncover? I don't know the answers, but I just got myself excited about doing some research to find them!

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Innocent affirmations

Tonight was parent observation night at Mary Jane's dance class. As is often the case, we were pushing it up to the last minute to get there at 6 pm, so I dropped MJ and Maaike of at the front door and then parked and came in with Rebekah. By the time I walked into the dance studio the instructor, Ms. Karis, had already started her check-in with the girls. As I walked in I heard the following exchange...as did all the other parents:
Mary Jane: "I have a home stay daddy!"
Ms. Karis: "You do!?!"
MJ: "Uh-huh."
Ms. Karis: "What do you think of having a home stay daddy?"
MJ: "I love being at home with my daddy."

And this at the end of three pretty challenging days with me and MJ going head to head several times each day. There really is nothing like the love of a child!

Freedom

You likely have a definition in mind for "freedom"...or at least a sense of it. My definition of freedom was enriched today, thanks to my 3 1/2 year old. "Freedom" now also includes the following:

The freedom to ask for exactly the help I really want: We had just arrived home and I was getting the baby settled when I hear, "Daddy, I'm pooping!" shouted from the bathroom. About two minutes later comes, "Daddy, wipe my butt!"

The freedom to choose what I think and what I believe: While watching "Bedtime with Elmo" I got to see Elmo and Abby sing, "Just think some happy thoughts and put 'em in your head...and remember this cause it's really true, what you think is up to you."

The freedom to be myself with no reason, justification or explanation: We were playing baby dolls and it was "night time" so we were laying in the guest bed with our baby dolls "pretending" to be asleep. MJ says, "Why are you moving so much?" I reply, "To get comfortable. Why are you moving so much?" MJ says, "Because I move alot. When I have to move I move alot. Thats just how I do."

The freedom to try things out and explore: I was watching MJ and Maaike dance and got to see MJ's abandon and willingness to simply move and try things - without constraint of needing to get the movement "right" or whether she "looked good" as she danced.

What will life be like if i choose to live in this freedom? I want to find out!

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It is about choosing...

...and choosing and choosing and choosing.

Today was my first "official" day as a full-time dad. It was one of those days that reminds me that I always have a choice: I can choose to accept what is happening or I can choose to pretend that it isn't happening and try to make it different (or some variation on this theme). Remember, this is my first day as a full-time dad...

Mary Jane (MJ), my three-year-old woke up at 6:20. Not unusual for her, and certainly not early for her, but I hoped she would sleep to 7:00 today. Rebekah, my four-month-old, was also up early which is unusual for her (she'll often sleep until 8:30 or 9:00). No big deal, though, the early morning went quite well with us having first breakfast and playing without incident.

I put Rebekah down for her first nap and MJ and I decided to get the exersaucer out for Rebekah. After cleaning the exersaucer it was time for morning snack: yogurt. Unfortunately, MJ and I botched the hand off and the yogurt ended up all over the kitchen floor...and the freshly cleaned exersaucer.

Rebekah didn't want to sleep much in the morning and so rather than a 1-2 hour nap, she slept only 40 min. No problem, I thought, I'll just roll with the punches. An hour later, Rebekah is hungry again. Feed Rebekah and start to get MJ's lunch ready and put Rebekah down for a second nap. Everything is going okay now.

After lunch is "rest time" for MJ and I tell her I'm going to take a shower while she watches her movie (The Wizard of Oz - her current favorite). I'm just about to step into the shower and MJ comes in: "I hear Rebekah!" she says. Quickly get dressed again and go down to get Rebekah. After 20 or 30 min I finally get to take a shower (Rebekah is now in the bouncy in the bathroom. Just as I am finishing my shower, I hear screaming - MJ fell down the stairs! I run out of the bathroom to get her (she is fine) and console her. I'm dripping wet holding a crying three-year-old and trying to keep my towel from falling down. After a couple minutes I set MJ back down. "My dress is wet" she says, confused. She thought it got wet somehow when she fell down the stairs! I explain that it is wet because I picked her up while I was still dripping wet from the shower. We head downstairs to get both of us some clothes and to put her dress in the dryer. Rebekah is still in her bouncy upstairs. After about 3 minutes I hear Rebekah "talking" (she doesn't like to be left out), so I leave MJ sitting at the bottom of the stairs and run up to get Rebekah.

Finally, we are all dressed and MJ has calmed down again. I notice that I am getting irritable and realize that I have not had much protein today. I leave MJ and Rebekah in the living room playing Barbies while I go into the kitchen to make a protein shake. I put the milk and powder in the mixer and, I thought, closed the lid. As I start to shake the mixer something cold and wet sloshes onto my face...the lid wasn't closed! So now there is chocolate protein powder all over me and the kitchen floor (fortunately, we had moved the exersaucer into the other room by this time so it did not get hit again!). So now I get to Swifer the kitchen floor for the second time in three hours.

It is now about 1:30 pm.

The rest of the day went quite well...other than that MJ hit her head once on a door knob and twice on the wood frame of the couch while we were wrestling. Here's a picture of the three of us sitting on the couch:

It occurred to me during afternoon snack time that the reason I was so exhausted by 3:15 pm is because being with two little, beautiful, intelligent, growing human beings requires a level of giving that I am simply not accustomed to. As a full-time dad my job, literally, is to provide for these girls in every way that I can. And so, I get several opportunities throughout the day to choose: will I choose to accept what is happening or will I choose to pretend that it isn't happening and try to make it different? I choose YES!, this is it. I'll take it for what it is. After all, the protein shake was all over my face, no matter how much I wanted it to be different!