Knowing

Rebekah was up at just after 5 am today - very unusual for her. I didn't get to sleep until about 12:30 am last night, so I was planning on sleeping until 7 or 7:30 am. To say the least, I was very tired today...and not very long on patience.

It was about 3:15 pm and Rebekah was ready for a second afternoon nap. MJ wanted to come with me to put Rebekah down. After about 3 minutes of pseudo quiet playing with a Barbie doll, MJ loudly whispers, "Put her down!" Now, MJ knows that Rebekah almost always fusses herself to sleep and so I assumed that MJ was just trying to speed up the nap time process so we could get back to playing dollies upstairs. I believe it is important to not let Rebekah cry while in her crib trying to fall asleep - fussing is fine, crying is not okay. So it is difficult for me to put her down too quickly for fear of her starting to cry and then rousing herself.

I replied with a "Shh!" and a finger held up as if to say, "I know what I'm doing here kid so just be quiet and don't tell me what to do!" About one minute later I hear, "Put her down!" This time I was irritated and scolded Mary Jane for making so much noise and having her energy too high while I'm trying to get Rebekah to sleep.

A few seconds later it occurred to me that MJ could be right. So I laid Rebekah down. Not a sound - she was asleep already in my arms! Whether or not Mary Jane "knew" Rebekah was about to fall asleep I don't know for sure, although I believe that she did. What I do know for sure is that I was initially unwilling to trust Mary Jane's knowing.

As I reflect on this it occurs to me how difficult it is for me to know when to trust my own "knowing" self, or someone elses "knowing", and when not to. I believe that things won't always work out "right" when I do trust the knowing...but then, they don't always work out "right" anyway! What if I were to trust my knowing self and Mary Jane's knowing and Maaike's knowing... What if I were to step out on faith rather than to demand to see the whole picture and know that it will work out before I take a step? What if I were to choose to life my life by faith, trusting that I have all that I need to be able to handle anything that comes? That sounds rich and free to me...and it is an edge to work on!